BLACK MAN WALKING
By Author Tamara Neal
As a former 911 Operator, it was not uncommon to receive calls from people based on the color of a person skin. During my tenure taking emergency 911 calls I do not recall receiving a call from someone saying there is a White Man, Chinese Man, or any other ethnic group walking down their street. However, I received countless calls from people of many different ethnic groups, stating that there is a “Black Man “walking down their street.
Many callers would scream into the phone with great urgency “HURRY UP, GET SOMEONE OUT HERE, “and when asked what was going on the caller would say, “THERE IS A BLACK MAN WALKING DOWN MY STREET, “ When asked what the Black Man was doing they would simply say “Nothing, he doesn’t belong around here, now hurry up and get someone out, before he gets away! “
The call would be dispatched as a suspicious subject or check location. As a 911 operator, it was my job to assure the safety of the public, regardless of how racially motivated the caller sounded. Countless times the police would go out and find that the person was visiting a neighbor, lived in the neighborhood and sometime the Black Man would be an undercover officer.
The Black Man walking down my street call, was so common for people to call in, simply because a Black Man was seen in the area that Black undercover police officers would sometimes notify the 911 center that they were at a location and not to dispatch a call for a Black Man sitting in a vehicle, to avoid blowing their cover, when the uniformed police were sent out for a suspicious subject call.
Yes, we all need neighborhood block watch and citizens on patrol but to racially profile a person and think that it is okay to have a person who maybe visiting a friend, taking a walk around their neighborhood or doing their job, suddenly being pulled over and questioned by the police, without cause, while you sit in your house and remain anonymous KNOW that call could be life threatening or at the very least humiliating for the Black Man and a waste of man power for the police department.
I can remember taking the call from a caller who sounded like an elderly white male yelling in the phone, “GET THE POLICE OUT HERE, I HAVE A NIGGER, WALKING AROUND OUT SIDE MY HOUSE!” When I asked what was going on, the caller said “HE’S IN MY DAM NEIGHBORHOOD AND (the N word) DON’T BELONG AROUND HERE, THAT IS WHAT IS GOING ON, NOW HURRY UP AND GET SOMEBODY OUT HERE, BEFORE HE GETS AWAY. “When I advised the caller that it was not against the law for a BLACK MAN to be in the neighborhood, the caller said,” WELL HE IS SELLING DRUGS,” When asked did he know where the drugs were, the caller said, “THEY ARE IN HIS RECTUM!” (for lack of the use of the (A) word)
I do not know what happened to that BLACK MAN WALKING when the police arrived with the information that they were given and something tells me, that as the mother of BLACK MEN WALKING, I do not want to know!
Yes, it is time to break the silence of the (ANONYMOUS FREQUENT CALLERS) who place racially motivated calls and use the police to harass, search, arrest and destroy the lives of innocent BLACK MEN WALKING simply because they feel that it is a crime for a BLACK MAN TO BE WALKING IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD in which they reside but DON’T OWN! Calling in a false police report is a crime and should be punishable by law! Author Tamara Neal www.tamaraneal.com .#authortamara #blacklivesmatter www.tamaraneal.com #BlackManwalking
An invite to come over for a cocktail has managed to turn into thirty straight evenings of uninterrupted great conversations, wild nights and cannot wait to see you tonight days! Not only was this woman everything that the doctor ordered, she brought a positive change to the whole kit and caboodle! Your sheets, that were once seldom changed and had gone un-noticed by the caliber of women that you frequently shepherded in and out of your once very monotonous looking apartment, were now replaced by sheets that unbeknownst to you have the appropriate amount of threads. Windows that went bare bachelor style received window treatments and you had no idea that they were so sick until she came along.
What did you do to deserve this woman and now almost feel deserving of because of your good deed with the fundraiser? Who would believe that such a phenomenal woman from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet, with a heart as big as the state of New York, complete with the excitement that is in the air when you are there, would walk into your dreary, dark life and give herself to you so freely?
All was truly going well until the day your cell phone rang and you could not find it in your heart to lay all of the cards on the table after hearing a very suggestive woman that you had exchanged numbers with but the boat never floated away from the dock. As you recall she had a sudden lack of interest when she found out that you did not have a vehicle. Unexpectedly, you have become relatively the ladies’ man. The woman on the phone sounds like a damsel in distress and is at the bar that you met her at alluring you to meet her there for a drink; it would be completely out of your character to fail to appear when summoned by a very sexy woman. Without a second thought, you find yourself rushing to the bar as if you were a sailor about to miss his ship!
Forty minutes later, you arrive at the bar and there she is, all dressed up apparently with no place to go. There is a look of a reprieve on her face when you arrived as if you are her Knight in Shining Armor! The bar scene is very familiar territory for you and you excel in this type of terrain. As the night goes on there are several calls from the woman of your dreams that you sent directly to voice mail lining up on your cell phone. Eventually, the voice mail is full with messages that normally would have made you listen to them again. However, there really does not seem to be enough of you to go around at this point and time. When the dust settles and the bar closes, you follow through with your signature invitation to your place for a nightcap and it is graciously accepted. She is now quite impressed with your laid out, cozy, what every woman would like to spend an evening in living quarters. Suddenly, you decide to turn your phone completely off and tend to the business that is at hand.
The next morning you find yourself looking at a mere figment of what you obviously hallucinated when you were intoxicated last night. There is a feeling of guilt that is overwhelming that has suddenly invaded your territory and the peace that you had become accustomed to that was beyond understanding has quickly become a thing of the past. As you look at this woman lying on the bed of roses that now appear to be turning into all thorns.
As you think of your dream coming true relationship suddenly turning into a nightmare you quickly check your messages and hear worry and concern that something may have happened to you coming from what seemed to be the love of your life. In the middle of trying to think of the exit plan for the stranger, the doorbell rings!
Although last night you appeared to be suffering from what seems to be a complete loss of short-term memory, there is one thing that you have not forgotten and that is, you do not want to open that door under any circumstances! Abruptly, the stranger from last in your bedroom, whose name at this point is a total mystery to you, rears her head and wants to know who is at the door? Just when you thought things could not get any worst, a bachelor, living in a first-floor apartment’s worst nightmare comes true. The angel sent from heaven and possibly the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, thought something was suspicious and decided to investigate your safety by looking in the bedroom window! There was no doubt in your mind that she was genuinely concerned about your well-being however quickly, the eyes that use to be filled with so much passion began to look like the eyes of a mountain LION. You do not know if you should scream or answer the WINDOW at this point! There is very little that can be said because the woman whose name you did not care enough about to remember can clearly be seen sitting on the bed that the woman looking in the window purchased. You smile at her to keep from crying and she hysterically vanishes from the window. You look at the woman sitting on your bed and at this point see no reason to ask her to leave when suddenly there is a loud noise that sounds like an explosion and the bedroom window splatters. The two of you hit the deck and crawl to the next room. The woman at that was left over from the bar last night, begins screaming HELP I WANT TO GO HOME! You are still trying to figure out what she could have been possibly packing that could have caused such a loud explosion and if she has any more! How could this beautiful woman, that was the epitome of class, be carrying around explosives!
In order to deserve a dream come true you must first consider yourself worthy. Any person that does not know their self-worth will ultimately destroy any notion of having something or someone that they feel that they are undeserving.
When you are living a dream, be mindful that dream killers do exist and if permitted can and will turn your dream into a nightmare!
I am Author Tamara Neal, you have just read an excerpt from my new book The Top 15 Worst Relationships! Coming Soon to a bookstore near you!
Remaining compliant and continuing to process 911 calls during a bomb threat was a bit nerving but well worth it, when calls came in from people who were really experiencing an immediate emergency. However, I must admit it was a bit annoying during the course of a bomb threat to receive a call from a caller complaining about loud music or children playing in front of their house. I can remember receiving a parking complaint from an very irate-wife of a well-known, influential, prominent public figure, who was very distraught because when she pulled into her driveway, there were cars parked along the side of her house. When I asked if the vehicles were still there, she became very annoyed by this question and YELLED into the phone, “I DON’T KNOW, I CAN’T SEE MY DRIVE WAY FROM HERE, and HURRY UP AND GET SOMEONE OUT HERE”! The very irate wife of the prominent public figure had no idea, what I would have done to have her problems and just be able to know that I would at the end of my shift, see my children, my house, my family, or just be able to smell the roses once again, from this side of the dirt!
Important Information when Making a 911 Call
As an emergency dispatcher , with a pending divorce, the thought never far from the front of my mind of being a single parent with two sons, now depending solely on me, an inflated mortgage, car note and dog, was difficult because I could not stay home when I felt depressed and could not afford to go to work distracted. One day against my better judgment, I went to work feeling angry, depressed, dejected and hopeless. As I sat down in the dim lite room at the always-cold console and plugged in my headset , within my first few hours at taking emergency calls, I was required to tell a terrified mother, who had just discovered her child hanging, in the closet of her home, not to cut him down! As I waited feeling helpless with the petrified mother, screaming, on the other end of the line, in seemingly longtime until the first responders arrived I could not believe that I left for work upset because my son was growing up. Almost immediately following that call was the voice of an elderly caller, who just woke up and discovered her life partner, would no longer be in her life, not in this life anyway. I suddenly came to the understanding that all marriages will eventually come to an unforeseen end, and that there was no such thing, as happily ever after. Although it seemed that the worst for calls had happened , I soon received the call that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up,” HURRY UP HE HAS A GUN” and within seconds hearing the shots fired. I quickly sent the call to dispatch and waited on the open line until police arrived. I do not know what happened and something inside of me tells me, that I do not want to know!
By the end of this life-changing day at work, I found myself feeling excited to return to my soon to be single parent household. The mere thought that I still had the opportunity to provide for my two, not perfect but precious sons made me feel special and undeserving, as I thought about the woman that only wanted to cut her son, that she found hanging, down. Today my children were both alive and well and I came to the realization that TODAY is really all we have. After this rude awakening, I refuse to spend another day of my life being healthy, alive and unhappy, on this side of the earth. I learned to be grateful for the moment because it holds the opportunity for new beginnings. I know now, that although my life was not going as I had planned, I still had the opportunity to hug my children, which were still alive and very huggable. If I choose to talk to my soon to be ex-husband, he is still able to hear me, I can now be grateful for the time that we spent together and happy that we can both move forward to the next chapter of our lives, without death doing us part. I now know that sometimes what I think is enormous in my life, is actually very insignificant, compared to what was going on in the lives of others. There is always someone else out there, that would trade what I thought was a bad day, with me, in a heartbeat, just to have a heartbeat. This very rude awakening quickly turned my ATTITUDE about accepting life on life’s terms into GRADITUDE!
One year, two babies later, you have come to the realization that the first date never ended. How did things go from having an out of control fantasy coming true, with great sex, lies, wild private parties, to married with children? Things began to move so fast, it seemed without notice one day she left a tooth brush and a curling iron in your bathroom and the next day a moving truck was at your front door.
The following seasons of the liaison appeared to be totally different from the sizzling summer that you met. Shortly after she moved in things about her personality that were not revealed before are now beginning to fall into place. Winter, is brutal and filled with continuous brisk cold episodes of her ranting and raving endlessly about absolutely nothing understandable. Just when you think that you have had, about as much as you can take and the end is inevitable, she announces that she is pregnant. Suddenly you feel the cool sensation of someone attempting to tie a ball and chain to one of your ankles. It has now dawned on you that the storm has just started and phase three is now in effect!
Some days you can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel before it turns out to be another oncoming train. Needless to say, even the good days are nothing to write home to mom about. As you glance back over your relationship with this individual, vision of what use to be pleasurable now seem faint. Everything that you do is wrong or never good enough for her. Your life is now only lived on life’s terms when she is in agreement or the author of them. Reality and her world are two different things and no one is going to tell her otherwise.
Trust is basically nonexistent in the mind of this very self-absorbed woman who has managed to infiltrate your world. Without cause, her days are spent rummaging through your things, as if she has a warrant and is in the process of a raid. She allocates countless hours investigating and interrogating anyone that has been in your company, looking for grounds to base her next argument. Her nights consist of racing thoughts about the things that she thinks she found during the day. Your cell phone has become a stalking device that can and will be used against you at her convenience. Your cell phone also known as her tracking device must be answered at all times, in an effort to avoid an unnecessary interrogation later. Under her law you are guilty, simply because she said you are! Only because you have been brought up to believe that if you faint in the day of adversity that your strength is small, you continue to weather the storm and it is not inconspicuous by any means.
One day you arrive home to what appears to be another one of her illicit examinations of your personal possessions and without notice you are suddenly being attacked by a woman that is very irate. Although your upbringing will not permit you to counter attack, you are human and have now been placed in harm’s way. Your attempts to restrain her have only made matters worse because in her mind you are now acting aggressive and argumentative. Eventually she becomes so hostile and out of control that you decide to leave, however she shadows you, in her vehicle. Resembling something off of and action movie, she begins ramming her car into your car, in an unwavering effort to run you in your vehicle, off the road. The state of affairs is out of control and you can only envision that it is going to take an outside source to stop it! Suddenly, you see police cars coming from every direction and she is arrested on numerous charges. There are several eye witnesses that saw the incident and called the police. One of the officers asked you, if you were okay and if you would like to go to the hospital. It has suddenly dawned on you that you are a victim of a violent domestic, however you can’t or don’t want to believe it. The next day you attempt to drop the charges only to find that they were so serious that the charges could not be dropped because the state picked them up. So you bail her out of jail and for some reason you feel empathy for her. She promises that it will never happen again and begins to act like the woman that you always wanted. She apologized and explains to you how you made her do it, when she found pictures of your old girlfriends, in your belongings. With tears in her eyes she acknowledged that she has severe trust issues, as a direct result of being deceived by every man that ever promised to love her exclusively, in all of her prior relationships.
You go to work exhausted and ashamed after what has been a totally humiliating weekend. Several coworkers immediately inquire about the apparently vandalized condition of your car, so you make up a lie. Your cell phone is smashed however you are still able to use it and this does not go without being noticed by several suspicious looking co-workers, as well. You find yourself covering up your abusive relationship by saying unbelievable things, like the cat attacked you. When you leave work she is sitting outside on the parking lot and asked “why you haven’t been answering you’re obviously, severely damaged, tracking device?” Before you could answer, she asked “who was that woman that I saw you speaking with as I drove up?” One of your worst fears has come true; she is going to act out on your job!
Men are essentially inaudible on the issue when they find themselves in an abusive relationship because of the perception that men are physically stronger and should be able to subdue a female attacker easily. Those men who do report physical violence are more likely to be ridiculed–both by law enforcement and by the public–than women are. Many men suffer in abusive relationships unannounced to them because they think that abuse is only physical; however there are many forms of abuse such as, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone just to name a few.
As my finger trembled, I hit the out of service button, slipped the yoke of card keys from around my neck and watched unexpected tears of both relief and remorse suddenly roll down my face. Embarrassed by my seemly, inappropriate emotional break down, where this type of persona is rare, I silently laid my head on the cold console, hoping that in the always-dim lite room, my state of mind would go un-noticed. My co-workers continued to take emergency 911 calls and although they were unable to console me, they were an elite group of trained multi-taskers, able to continue to take emergency calls, however 911 operators get paid, to pay attention and all eyes were without a doubt, on me.
I felt like a soldier leaving my platoon in a war zone and returning to civilian life. As we all embraced each other farewell, many of my co-workers whispered the same statement to me, “I’m glad you got out.” As I heard their signs of approval, I went from feeling as if I were a soldier leaving my platoon, to a prisoner of war, suddenly been released from captivity.
911 operators are men and women who hear some of the most soul-searing sounds imaginable, often the last voice some callers will ever hear and immobilized to their computers expected to remain calm, gather information, and stay on the line while people do the unthinkable, until the first responders arrive. This extremely high stress-working environment can make even the most dedicated operators; want out on the regular bases, but for many reasons feel compelled to stay.
Although I was eager to experience what it felt like to be able to stay home with my children, during a state of emergency, without a military Humvee, transporting me to work. It had been seven years since I was able to have Thanksgiving dinner with my family. I would no longer be there to listen to the sounds of what a beautiful Christmas tree; left burning, unattended could bring, horrifically to my ears, on the silent night of Christmas. As I slowly left, the building that gave me memories of incidents that I will never be able to forget, suddenly a distinct feeling of sadness, swiftly over whelmed me. I knew at that moment, I would no longer be a part of the team of unsung heroes that saved lives and did extraordinary, seldom recognized things, on the regular bases, for Baltimore County 911.
We teach people how to treat us
Your girlfriend begs you to go out to the club with her to celebrate your new found freedom after a much-needed breakup. It actually took very little convincing. Although there was something inside you that said “Stay home,” something outside of you asked, “What are you staying home for?”
It’s a hot summer night, and you’re looking even hotter wearing the little black dress that you bought after you realized that somehow, you shed twenty-five pounds effortlessly after going through your most recent stressful relationship when Jenny Craig, a protein diet, meal-replacement shakes, gym memberships, and countless diet pills failed miserably at getting rid of them.
So you go to the club with absolutely zero expectation of meeting anyone, planning perhaps to share a drink or two with your friends and perhaps some girl talk. Then he walks over and introduces himself. You end up having the good time that you had been waiting for your ex to show you for the last seven years of your life together, but he only recognized the world of sports. Maybe he’d look at you if you screamed “Look at me!”
This guy offers to buy you a drink and is very friendly. He knows just what to say and how to say it, and he’s well built, too. Although you’ve met countless men of his demeanor, this time it’s different. Gorgeous George has a magnetism about him that, after a few drinks, makes what first appeared a dim, dreary place into a romantic oasis. Shortly afterward, it seems that all of your dreams might be coming true.
Needless to say, like so many other women you know, you have had your fair share of one-night stands, booty calls, baby daddies and deadbeat dads. But although you know all the tricks, you still look for treats. So when the club closes, like Cinderella leaving the ball, you dismiss the girlfriend that you rode to the club with. Mesmerized by this guy’s immaculate car (also known as “the chick magnet”), you proudly get in as if you just won a prize and proceed to give directions to your place—like a sheep following a shepherd to the slaughter!
Like numerous times before, your gut is talking, but your brain isn’t listening. At some point, you even think that you can make this person fall in love with you by being seductively submissive. So you allow your panties to hit the floor before the first date is over.
Last night was great. This morning he appears to be in a hurry. So, like a doctor going to deliver a baby, this once-passionate gentleman rushes out of your life without a kiss good-bye or a glance back. Almost immediately, you feel played. But how can this be possible when you were such a willing participant?
So you spend the day on the telephone with your girlfriend that you dismissed, talking about the great time that you had last night. Finally, you decide to call him and notice that your call goes straight to a voice mail system that is not set up yet. Days go by without a phone call from him, and the telephone number that he gave you apparently isn’t correct.
Concerned about his well-being and having no other contact information for him, you venture back to the killing grounds—the club where you met him—hoping to see him. And you do. There he is, looking just as charismatic as he did on the day you met, only he’s not alone, and he treats you like a stalker invading his territory.
Your stock fell when your panties hit the floor on the first date. Don’t expect this guy to see you as someone he would take home to meet his mother. You set the stage, made him the superstar, and you played the role of an extra. The Playa from the Himalaya feels that you had your one minute of fame, and he has moved on to the next audition. There is only one person that this guy allows himself to have any genuine feeling for, and he visits that person regularly—when he looks in the mirror.
Some women have decided to accommodate Playas of this type by accepting the booty call position. This simply means that when a guy like this has a bad night at the club, he calls you at some ungodly hour, and you open the door when he gets there. If something in your gut tells you that you deserve to be treated better than that, it is because you do.
These Playas don’t have to be complete losses if you take them for what they’re worth—and that is a few free drinks and some dirty dancing. They are, for the most part, immature and unable to commit.
The Playa from the Himalaya is looking for someone to complete a fantasy and bores very easily. He is a hunter by nature. Although the Playa peruses a wide variety of prey, he is fairly selective about whom he chooses to play with. His goal is to hit a home run straight out of the club and into the unsuspecting prey’s bedroom. Although he is not looking for a keeper, he considers his prey a trophy. Therefore, he often selects women who are superficial because they are more likely to believe that they are the best thing that ever happened to him and are usually starved for attention. So he makes them feel like they are the cream of the crop and waters them down real good. Yes, he has all eyes on you!
Boyfriend has no problem with leaving the club and going to your place for a sleepover. He will wait patiently for you to eat the bait that he has been feeding you and make you feel like you are the woman that he has been waiting for all his life. Once the heat is on, he will melt your heart and may even curl your toes. He is passionate and knows what to do and how to do it!
The next morning will be pretty much the same. Suddenly, he appears to be in a hurry and his conversation is now about his busy schedule and how he is going to try to get back to you tonight. Don’t wait up, girlfriend. You have just been played, but don’t get angry with him, because you were a willing participant. It is very important that you remember not to hate the Playa. Just stop playing the game.
Most Playas can be really deceptive and appear sincere. It’s really hard to trust a guy with this mentality. He may even think he likes you and offer you a position as his doormat. This is a ground-level position that requires you to be walked on and to play detective with the many different women that are somehow constantly in your life.
Although your gut will tell you that you are being lied to and deserve more, your heart will tell you that it is all in the game of love. Remember, this man can be just like a drug. You will never get a high like the first again; you will only chase it. The only hope for a healthy, steady relationship with a Playa from the Himalaya is if he decides to put away his childish ways and become a man of integrity, but that is a process. Needless to say, there is nothing you can do to change him. He must make the decision himself.
Don’t be a victim to someone who does not know who he is or what he wants. Find someone that is worth your time and your trust. If you truly enjoy being a social butterfly, fly away solo when the doors to the club close, and perhaps one day you will meet someone that is able to recognize your true beauty and will be worthy of your wings.
This is a except from my 2015 National Excellence Award Finalist Book, in the relationship category,
Available Now by clicking the link!
You have the perfect family: two girls, a boy, and a husband—although he is not drop-dead handsome, he makes a pretty decent living. When the two of you first met, he used to send flowers to you at work and surprise you by showing up without an invitation at places that he knew you would frequent. For instance, you would come out of a store and there he would be, standing in the parking lot next to your car. When you asked him how he knew you were there, he would say that he just happened to be passing by and saw your car. He was a guy that almost read your mind.
Early on in the relationship, you would catch him gazing at you while you were sleeping. In the beginning, whenever you talked, he would be all ears, and you found it truly intriguing that someone found your conversation so interesting. He wanted to know everything about you and all your associates. Before long, he was ready to move things to another level and commit to a serious relationship. He started by laying down the ground rules for what he thought a relationship should look like and what role a woman should play in it. One day, he told you that he never wanted to live without you and pulled out a ring. People came from all over to celebrate this union, and you were the envy of many women’s eyes. Shortly after the two of you were married, though, the honeymoon was over.
One day, the new puppy that he brought the children urinated on the floor, and he went into a full rage. Without notice, he grabbed the puppy and threw him into the wall and then out into the yard. The children were terrified, screaming, “Daddy, please stop,” but he slung them off of him as if they were rag dolls, threw them out into the yard too, and closed the door. The next five hours were spent drilling you on how stupid you were and yelling, “Get up the piss before I throw it on you,” and tossing furniture through the air. Now, the reason that he insisted that he must have at the bare minimum an acre of land around the house you bought has become very clear. He needed the privacy for what now feels like his torture chamber.
Right from the beginning, he was overly codependent to the point of being creepy and you are always tired because he keeps you up all night talking. He doesn’t think your friends and family value you enough, or even at all. He demands so much of your time that you find yourself always explaining to people why you cannot go out with them. Although you enjoy the attention your anxiety soars if you’re just a few minutes late, because you know how worried and upset he will be. However it feels great to finally have someone willing to spend quality time with you.The only thing that you know about his family is that he told you they were abusive and they have been estranged for many years.
As a direct result of him being abandoned as a child, he has great difficulty trusting strangers and chooses not to have any friends. To you, his past only goes back to the day you met him, and you are his only plans for the future. When you finally get the nerve to pack your bags to leave, he threatens to commit suicide and report you to child welfare, because he claims that you are a horrible mother and that the children are not properly taken care of.
You have been intentionally isolated from all of your family and friends, one at a time. Because of the influence of the Internet and cable on children, he has seen no need for any of those services in the home. You had a pretty good job when the two of you married, but he begged you to allow him to be the man of the house and fully support his family. You had always wanted to be a homemaker while your children were young anyway, so you put your career on the back burner to stay home with your family.
Now that you depend solely on this guy’s income, your days are spent hearing how stupid, fat, and ugly you are. Dinner should be on the table when he gets home from work, and if it is not what he wants and the way he wants it, you, the children, the walls, and the floor get to wear it! You are home now where he can’t watch you, so he constantly accuses you of being sneaky and unfaithful. You can’t even go to the bathroom and close the door without him wondering if you are dating the toilet paper.
Although his bedroom manner is degrading and abusive, if you show any sign of rejecting him, it only makes matters worse, so you wait for him to finish so you can wash away the misery after he falls asleep. All of his shortcomings, character defects, and problems are suddenly your fault, because he has the weight of the entire family on his shoulders. Whenever he is around you get a sick feeling right in the pit of your stomach because you are afraid of what he may do. So you find yourself always trying to avoid certain topics, out of fear of angering him. Being criticized and put down has become part of your daily routine. Lately, you can’t do anything right in his opinion and as a result you provoke him to anger constantly . You are starting to feel like a piece of property or a sex object, instead of a person.
In an effort to weather the storm, you start drinking to numb the pain of emotional injuries that have gone without treatment and thinking about the severity of your situation. Alcohol is sometimes used daily by both of you as a means of escape from the everyday reality of this toxic relationship; however, it is like throwing water on a grease fire.
You stay and put up with the abuse because you have now been forbidden to get a job and therefore lack the financial independence you need to leave. Emotional abuse has taken its toll, and your lack of social support helps your partner to control you. Shame keeps you from contacting friends, family, and the outside world about your dilemma. Isolation has become your prison without bars. You have been humiliated so much by him in front of people that you isolate yourself voluntarily so that you don’t have to worry about his mood swings and public embarrassment. Your soul cries out to be restored, but it falls on deaf ears.
Eventually, he starts using threats of physical attack to keep you in a state of perpetual fear and tells you that if you attempt to destroy his family by leaving, he can and will kill you. Somehow, you feel that perhaps the violence is temporary or caused by unusual circumstances; you even start to blame yourself. You think about how great things were in the beginning and somehow begin to wonder if you or perhaps the pressures of work or his sad childhood have something to do with what has happened. Could any of it be responsible for his actions? And the cycle of domestic violence continues.
Subsequently, after a violent episode, he has no problem performing a four-alarm cry in front of you to prove how passionate he is. However, if you allow yourself to look straight through the tears into his eyes, the tunnels to his soul, you will discover that this man is empty on the inside. The telltale sign of his emptiness is the fact that he is trying to fill himself up with you.
Often, when facing consequences, abusers will beg for forgiveness and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving the isolation camp that for some reason, you’ve almost managed to escape. Most of the time, the abuser will return to abusive behavior once he feels that the threat of abandonment is no longer on the table and he has been forgiven.
Although you may think you’re the only one who understands him or feel responsible to fix his problems, by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re only reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Most abusers have psychological issues and must be willing to first take full responsibility for their behavior and stop blaming you and others for their shortcomings. They should seek professional treatment.
You need to know that the abuse that you suffered at his hands was never your fault at any time or place. Never accept any responsibility for abusive behavior that’s been inflicted on you. Even if the abuser gets counseling or attends a program for batterers, there is no guarantee that he will change or that the abuse will not happen again. Make your decision to be with this person based on the person he is now, not on the man you want him to be.
Try not to allow the fear of the unknown, such as what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children, to paralyze you and keep you living in a torture chamber. Instead, focus on what you do know now: things will not get any better if you don’t make an attempt to rescue yourself. In fact, there is a very good chance you may not make it out alive if you don’t. Start with a small step, like breaking the code of silence that you have internally vowed to maintain, and soon you will be walking into your victory! Take a deep breath, because you already know what to do, now do it. Author Tamara Neal
OK, so he doesn't have a job, but he is a great cook! There are absolutely no worries about what’s for dinner at your house, providing you have supplied the ingredients.
A good friend of yours who was always complaining about her brother being a freeloader and wanting to get him out of her house neglected to tell you that he was drop-dead gorgeous. One day, you were visiting your girlfriend, and a guy with the most pleasant voice walked into the room and insisted that he be introduced to you. After a brief encounter in your girlfriend’s kitchen, you invited him to your house—and your house quickly became his home, sweet home.
Although your girlfriend, his sister, gave you a fair warning about his character defects, you find him to be great company and a welcome change to an empty house with four walls that you felt were beginning to close in on you. Besides, he seemed to be a pretty good guy and not a bad fixer-upper project. With a little work and a lot of money, you manage to get his teeth done, wardrobe adjusted, self-esteem renewed, and old girlfriend back on the chase.
Suddenly, a man whose only means of survival was his sister is now quite the ladies’ man. You find yourself spending countless days and nights alone and have finally admitted that you really are alone. One day while hanging out at the mall, trying to pass time, to your surprise, you come across your ex-husband, who is in town for a visit but is seriously considering relocating. Nothing has changed about him; he still has that thing he had when you decided to marry him. He is really happy to see you and anxious to pick up where the two of you had left off. You go home and quickly pack your girlfriend’s brother’s bags. You drive by her house and toss the bags in front of it.
Later that night, you have candlelight dinner with your ex-husband, and he spends the evening. The next morning, he seems to be in a hurry and explains that he’ll see you later that night. You rush out to get your hair and nails done and hurry back to clean the house and prepare one of his favorite meals. When daylight turns to night, you decide to call but only get voice mail. So you open a bottle of wine, play some of your old love songs, and wait. After numerous walks to the window, several bottles of wine, and countless unanswered calls, you decide to curl up on the couch and go to sleep with your head resting on one hand, attempting to preserve what was once a fabulous hairdo worn just for him. Three days go by without even a glimmer of hope that he would even think of coming back.
It’s Christmas Eve, it’s snowing outside, and there is a knock at the door. It’s your girlfriend’s brother! He hasn’t brought any gifts, but he actually looks pretty good, and he sure beats a blank. You open up a bottle of wine, and the two of you have a white Christmas, complete with your chestnuts roasting on an open fire, and he is enjoying the luxuries of your nice, warm home. The next day, he goes to the kitchen to see what you might have purchased and prepares breakfast for the both of you in bed.
As you’re lying in each other’s arms, he tells you how distraught he was when you asked him to leave. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. It’s your ex-husband. He has his bags in the car and can explain everything.
At first glance, it may appear you’re only interested in making sure that you don’t have an empty pillow beside you at night. However, when we look deeper, it becomes quite apparent that a woman like this is very uncomfortable with herself. When a woman suffers from low self-esteem, it’s very easy for her to commit herself to anyone who may express interest in her, regardless of how she may feel about him. Often, women suffering from this issue feel that they have to put up with behavior from men that don’t satisfy them and consider themselves lucky to have a man at all. Many times, when a woman has low self-esteem, she appears obsessed and infatuated, and this is a toxic cocktail for any relationship. A relationship should never be artificially moved along and most men run from Fatal Attractions.
You met him at a club and had the time of your life! He was very friendly, well-built, knew just what to say and how to say it. Although, you had been around countless men of his demeanor, this time was different. Gorgeous George had a magnetism about him that after a few drinks made him instantly appear to be all of your dreams coming true.
Needless to say, you have had your fair share of one night stands, booty calls, her baby daddies and dead beat dads. Although, you know all the tricks, you still look for treats. So when the club closes like Cinderella leaving the ball, you dismiss the girlfriend that you road to the club with. Mesmerized by his immaculate car also known as the chick magnet, you proudly get in as if you just won a prize and proceed to give directions to your place, like a sheep following a shepherd to the slaughter!
Like numerous times before, your gut is talking but your brain is not in agreement with what your gut is trying to convey. At some point you even think that you can make this person fall in love with you by being seductively submissive. So you allow your panties to hit the floor, before the first date.
Last night was great. This morning he appears to be in a hurry. So, like a doctor going to deliver a baby, this once passionate gentleman rushes out of your life, without a kiss goodbye or a glance back. Almost immediately you feel played but how can this be possible, when you were such a willing participant?
So, you spend the day on the telephone with your girlfriend that you dismissed talking about the great time that you had last night. Finally, you decide to call him and notice you’re call goes straight to a voice mail system that is not setup yet.
Days go by without even a phone call and the telephone number that he gave you apparently isn't correct. Concerned about his well being and having no further contact information for him, you venture back to the killing grounds also known as the club where you met him, hoping to see him and you did. There he was looking just as charismatic as he did on the day that you met, only he was not alone and he treated you like a stalker invading his territory.
Your stock fell when your panties hit the floor on the first date. Don’t expect this guy to see you as someone that he would take home to meet his mother. You set the stage, made him the super star and you played the role of an extra.
The playa from the Himalaya feels that you have had your one minute of fame and he has moved on to the next audition. There is only one person that this guy allows himself to have any genuine feeling for and he visits that person regularly when he looks in the mirror, at himself.